Recently I was asked by the lovely ladies of “The Blue Skittle” magazine to offer my reasoning behind exactly why I’m looking forward to this years Penny Arcade Expo (PAX). I’ve pasted my paragraph below but be sure to check out the rest of the issue at http://theblueskittle.com

“My favourite response when people ask me about attending PAX is “I may have had to sell a kidney to afford it but it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to go.” It’s when they ask to see the scar that I have to that I disappoint them and explain that I’m speaking figuratively. In all honesty though, for me, coming from Australia to attend; PAX is one of the remaining Mecca’s for game “consumers” since the retarding of E3 and I’ll be damned if I’d miss it while I’m staying in North America even if I am all the way on the East Coast living in Canada.”

For the unfamiliar TVShows is a fantastic (and more importantly free) application that does a wonderful job of monitoring a series of RSS feeds and downloading the latest torrent for your beloved TV shows.

Up until recently TVShows would run in the background checking tvRSS.net for new torrents at a predetermined interval, downloading a new episode’s torrent if there was one to collect. Unfortunately that was until about a month or two ago when all of a sudden it seemed that nothing was being retrieved anymore even though it was sitting there plain as day on tvRSS.net.

Not knowing what was going on, and not having a clue when it comes to Ruby programming I jumped into the SourceForge forum and found that I wasn’t the only one having the problem. It seems (although it’s not confirmed) that tvRSS.net has decided to block the application from connecting to the site and scanning it for new episode information. Fortunately, and full credit goes to the forum here, those wiley geeks have found a way around this and will have you downloading torrents again faster than you can say “sesquipedalian“.

Here’s how you do it…

1. Open up the main guts of TVShows in your favourite text editor. The file you want is:
   “/Users/[your username]/Library/Application\ Support/TVShows/TVShowsScript/TVShows.rb”
2. At line 172 you’ll see: (this is all on 1 line, just in case your browser has wrapped it)
   rawEpisodes = SimpleRSS.parse(open(FEED % @exactName,”User-Agent”=>”TVShows/#{@preferences['PREFS_SCRIPTVERSION']}”))
   Change this to:
   rawEpisodes = SimpleRSS.parse(open(FEED % @exactName,”User-Agent”=>”Apple-PubSub/65.1″))
3. Save the file and you’re done. You might have to reboot to restart the daemon but I didn’t.

To give you a quick explanation of what’s actually being changed (as far as I can tell) is that we’re simply telling the tvRSS.net webserver that we’re actually using a Safari RSS reader instead of another application. Simple.

Woopra is a great new web analytics package that is currently in private beta. I’m not here to talk about how exciting this fantastic service is, instead I’m here to let you know how to get their application to actually RUN under OS X. It’s not that hard, they’ve just made a little mistake when packing it for the Mac. Lets get to it, but before we do let me just add you must be running OS X 10.5.1+ and a 64bit Intel Mac.

1. Download the Woopra installer. You’ll need to to log into your Woopra account to do this
2. Next run off to Apple’s Developer Connection and download Java SE 6 (currently preview 9). You’ll need an ADC login (which is free) or run Software Update as Apple have just released this as a stable upgrade.

At this point you’d think all you’d have to do is run the Woopra Installer application but if you do that all you get is this stupid message that you don’t have Java 1.6 installed, which as we all know you just did.

To fix this and get everything up and running we need to tell the application that we want it to use the newly installed Java runtime. Just out of interest OS X doesn’t automatically switch to the new version because it’s a preview and not deemed stable. Here’s how you fix the installer…

1. Copy the “Woopra Installer” application from the disk image to your hard drive. If you do not do this you will not be able to edit & save the required files
2. Right (Control Click) on the “Woopra Installer” application
3. Select “Show Package Contents”
4. Open the file “Contents/Info.plist” in your favourite text editor
5. Under the line <key>JVMVersion</key> change <string>1.3+</string> to <string>1.6+</string>
6. That’s it, save the file & launch the installer again

Now you’d think that would be it now wouldn’t you, but no you need to now repeat the process for the installed application, which if you’ve gone for the default location will be in your Applications folder. Once you’ve done all of that (again) you can finally launch “Woopra” and get your fantastic looking web stats!!

Finally!!

When you come in to the office on a Monday morning and people ask you “So what did you get up to on the weekend?” I tend to cringe and perhaps quickly think of something a tad less nerdy than tell them the truth, which this weekend happened to be… “Oh, I spent Saturday night writing a better PHP Class for Pownce’s 2.0 API because what was available currently didn’t work the way I wanted it to.”

nerd.

Download the PHP Class file here.

Basic Usage:
// Send a message to public
$pownce = new Pownce(”username”, “password”, “apikey”);
$pownce->postMessage(”public”, “just say hi to everyone”);
$pownce->execute();

Tutorial:
Below is a short screentcast of how to use the class:

Notes:

• When using the “addOption” method if you try to add an option that is not used with the particular API call you’re invoking a string error message will be returned rather than XML or JSON. eg.
  $pownce->getPublicNotes();
$pownce->addOption(”filter”, “sent”);will returnInvalid option "filter"
• The $format argument in most methods is defaulted to xml but can be set to json if you wish

We’re all fairly aware that Apple’s implementation of Bluetooth in the iPhone is retarded to say the least. At this point in time Apple has limited the iPhone to doing nothing more than pairing with a Bluetooth headset, and even then that seems to be difficult for some of your more “independent” accessory manufacturers. Features like file transfer, computer syncing or even talk-thru that you can find on any two-bit phone these days are AWOL and we’re all still waiting for a postcard!

You’ve got to ask yourself why Apple has limited the iPhone’s Bluetooth capabilities so much so lets pop the shoe on the proverbial “other foot” for a moment. The iPhone is designed on top of the iPod, yes we all thought we’d have the ability to sync those wirelessly by now too but it was never going to be over Bluetooth. Bluetooth’s transfer rate is so pathetic transferring 8GB of music & video would take you an entire weekend and that’s provided the connection actually stayed active. With that in mind you could still sync contacts & calenders via Bluetooth but if you’re plugging it in to do music why would you want to sync it a 2nd time for your contacts? Apple have done the right thing keeping everything in one place under iTunes even if it does put iSync out in the cold.

When it comes to file transfers, Apple doesn’t even let you browse an iPhone when it’s connected via a cable or on your wi-fi network (well, until you hack it yourself) so why would they want to give you access via Bluetooth? You could argue that’s fine, but what about iPhone to iPhone transfers? I can only put this one day to security, the last thing Apple want is some script kiddie writing a Bluetooth virus that renders every phone it connects to useless.

OK, Apple Fan-Boy hat off now. There is one Bluetooth connectivity area that I think Apple have really dropped the ball on when it comes to the iPhone. Do you remember way back when Address Book got all cuddly with your phone and iSync was running a high pulling and pushing your contacts to that brand new Sony Ericsson T610 you’d just bought? Well there was also the fantastic ability to pair the phone with your Mac and send text messages (SMS) to any of your contacts with a mobile phone number from your computer! Not to mention when you received a new SMS it would pop up on the screen and you’d could reply promptly without having to lift your hands from the keyboard. Where’s my SMS functionality Apple? You wrote Address Book, I’m pretty sure you made the iPhone and wrote OS X’s Bluetooth bits too but I can’t even pair the thing with my computer let alone send an SMS through it! Come on guys, someone’s dropped the ball big time here! My brand new US$399 iPhone has less integrated ability than my four year old Sony Ericsson.

Oh and P.S. Apple, the T610 it did MMS too!

To the casual observer Apple’s latest MacBook Pro (MBP) would undoubtably be indistinguishable over it previous iterations. Right now sitting side by side with my previous, now 10 month old, MBP the only way I can tell them apart is the one on the left has that new machine feel on its keys and is a tad cleaner overall. Aesthetically there is very little different between the two machines, adorning the F7 through F9 keys you now have the iTunes controls we’ve come to love on Apple’s newer external keyboards, as well as the Expose & Dashboard icons on the F3 & F4 keys respectively. Personally I’d rather the F3 & F4 keys to not be branded as one of the first things I do is remap these functions to others, but thats by the by.

Can you tell which one is the new version? I can’t!

Beyond the keyboard the only other distinguishable visual difference is the semi-new LED backlit screen. Whilst this screen has been available in the prior model it wasn’t until this release that it has been available across the board in both the 15 and 17 inch variations. The evenness of the backlight provides a much needed colour boost to the screen almost comparable with “gloss” screens, which is still an option should you not have an issue with glare in your work area. To be honest I’ve had to turn down the brightness a tad off full because it felt like the white was cooking my retinas from the inside out, an experience that completely shames my prior machine.

Aesthetics aside, its under the hood of the new MBP’s now tired shell where this new model really starts to break away. At the heart of the machine is the new Intel Penryn 45nm processor, ranging from 2.4Ghz to 2.6Ghz depending on your selected configuration. As with the exterior of the machine, looking at the clock speed itself you’d think nothing’s changed but its the 45nm build of the chip that makes both a difference in operating temperatures and battery life. No longer will you endure 3rd degree burns after 15 minutes of use, instead they’ll only be 2nd degree and take an extra 10 minutes! w00t! There’s also the added bonus of 6MB of L2 cache on the CPU also for that extra kick.

Standard now in all models is what I’d consider an above average laptop hard drive size of 250GB @ 5400rpm. This is a nice improvement over previous pitiful options topping out at 160GB. Should you have the cash to burn there’s even a 300GB option available in the 17″ model however you take a speed hit with the drive only running at 4800rpm. For the video editors out there there’s also the 7200rpm option but Apple tops out at 200GB.

The video card also receives a mild bump, more to “keep up with the Jones’s”, than anything else. Retaining the same Nvidia 8600M GT card the VRAM is boosted to 512MB in the top 15″ and 17″ models but stays at 256MB in the cheaper 15″ option.

Lastly, in line with the recently released MacBook Air the MBP receives the new Multi-Touch trackpad. The trackpad enables the user to make use of the “pinch” and other movements to manipulate photos and other rudimentary functions that the majority of people will dismiss or probably never even know the trackpad can do. Luckily there’s a new, slightly more useful, function Multi-Touch can do in allowing you to swipe between webpages by using 3 fingers on the trackpad instead of 2 fingers that you would use for scrolling. OK, so maybe its not the innovation of the century but I might use it once in a while.

With all of these new components, most important of which is the CPU, Apple claim a new battery life of 5 “wireless working” hours. It seems with this new release Apple PR have decided to now measure battery life in how long their laptops can actually be used continuously with a wireless network connection. A bold move considering their prior models were advertised with 4.5 hours of “optimal” life and now to the average Joe their new machine does basically the same?! How many are going to read the fine print to figure out you can actually use it for that full 5 hours instead of about 3 (if you’re lucky) on the previous model? Whilst the newly advertised 5 is probably a stretch, I’m sitting at 3.5 now and still have 15% left in the pack so I’m happy.

Tech specs and changes aside lets have a look at some real life figures to see if there is any difference at all, and whether or not my extra A$250 to spring for the 2.6Ghz CPU was worth it. I’ll be comparing my previous model (Mid 2007 - 2.4Ghz, 2GB RAM, 120GB @5400rpm HDD) against the brand new Penryn based MBP (Early 2008 - 2.6Ghz, 2GB RAM, 250GB @5400rpm). Both machines have a fresh install of Mac OS X 10.5.2.

Test 1: Boot time (to desktop, with autologin enabled)
Mid 2007: 59 seconds
Early 2008: 48 seconds

Test 2: AAC Encode (4 minute 160kbps CBR MP3 converted to 160kbps CBR AAC using iTunes)
Mid 2007: 8.9 seconds
Early 2008: 7.4 seconds

Test 3: Video Encode (190MB DivX to 2 pass H.264 using ffmpeg via VisualHub)
Mid 2007: 18 minutes, 29 seconds
Early 2008: 15 minutes, 37 seconds
Note: The old model had its fan running at full speed almost from the second I started the encode where as the new machine barely even spun the fan at all.

As you can see there’s a small improvement in each task, the video encoding especially a welcome relief whenever there is less time involved, but realistically if you currently own a MBP from 2007 is it really worth the upgrade? If you’re happy with your current machine and tossing up whether to fork out the cash that you may not necessarily have lying around then my answer is no, it’s not particularly worth it and with rumours already circulating about another update in June with Intel’s new line of chips as well as the long awaited Blu-Ray drive and hopefully new enclosure I’d recommend holding off. Video/Photographic professionals and gamers will most likely be the ones to benefit from the new CPU and increased VRAM but thats where the benefits end in my opinion.

I *love* Guitar Hero (or as I like to call it “The Heterosexual Man’s Singstar” *). To this date there hasn’t been a game, on any platform, that I’ve returned to as many times as I have with Guitar Hero. It really doesn’t matter how much of an idiot you might look like thumping away at a tiny plastic guitar that’s more likely to have been manufactured by Fisher-Price than Fender because for those few precious moments I am The-Rock-God and you will bow to my power of awesome-ness!

So with all that praise and admiration for myself Guitar Hero why wouldn’t I want the next imminent edition of this fantastic saga? Well you see, like many things in the world, I have a little problem with the Guitar Hero franchise. Personally I feel, as a game, there’s not a lot more that you can really add on in terms of gameplay. You plug in your guitar, you watch pretty coloured balls of light float down the screen and you do your best to co-ordinate your fingers pressing the same coloured buttons on your plastic axe, that’s pretty much the description on the box word for word. No really, it is… I’m sure that’s what it said.

The point is there isn’t much else to change or do; before you know it the developers try and lure you with fanciful ideas like having “battles” (ask any Guitar Hero fan boy about that and you’ll quickly find a unison feeling of hatred) and see the game incorporate tangents off a core functionality that works and is what people want. Sure, all the little additions haven’t been complete waste of time, and with the advent of “Rock Band” it wont be long before Guitar Hero will no doubt join the multi-faceted instrument world of its new competitor, but again it’s pretty much the same coloured blobs and timing.

If that’s the case then the only real desire for me purchase any new iteration of Guitar Hero is purely to gain access to a new range of new tracks that I can jump around the lounge room to, staring in my own personal sold out concert for one. In this my friends is where my problem ensues… Each Guitar Hero disc contains a range of songs, some you like more than others and some you only play once to get past them to finish the game and gain those precious Gamerscore points (you gamer-whore you!). What I’ve come to quickly learn is that there’s tracks on GHII that I really enjoy playing, Freebird for example, and occasionally I want to jam out it but the GHIII disc is in my xBox’s drive and now I’ve got to stand up and switch discs and re-load the game, blah, blah. OK, so doing it once isn’t too bad, but now I want to play 3’s & 7’s so it’s a disc switch again… and again… and again… and… well I’m sure you get my point.

It’s pretty annoying, I mean I can understand that a disc is a disc and that’s what’s stored on the thing, but when you buy tracks for GHII online which are stored on your console’s drive why can’t they be read by GHIII too? Have the guys at Red Octane changed the track’s code/format that much after their bust up with Harmonix? Come on people, a little thing called “backwards compatibility” springs to mind (even if I could care less about it on a console, that’s another story kids).

This is my big solution to make the new Guitar Hero 4 worth while as a purchase for little-old-me. Give me a disc, hell I’ll even pay double and take another plastic guitar too, for a game that works just as well and as fun as the others before it with a whole bunch of new tracks and low and behold it can read (at the bare minimum) all of my paid for downloaded tracks from GHII & GHIII. Now that would be great, but to make it awesome give me the ability to pop in my previous copies of Guitar Hero and copy those tracks to my drive and play them in GHIV too! Yeah!! That idea kicks royal arse! Sure there’d need to be some security, copyright bullshit so you can’t just have your mate pop around with their old disc and leech the tracks, I get that, but figure that shit out dudes, I’m the ideas man!

So there you have it, my idea for selling a ba-jillion copies of GHIV and perhaps even providing a reason to back-sell a crap load of old stock out there. I’m sure it’ll probably never happen though, and you know what, I’m pretty sure, come the later half of the year when the new version does come out, I’ll be one of the millions of consumers out there that add that game to my shelf right next to it’s older sisters regardless of my dreams coming true or not.

ROCK ON!

* Before you start sending the flame emails let me just clarify that in by saying that it doesn’t mean homosexual people wouldn’t enjoy Guitar Hero just the same as heterosexual people. I just don’t do Singstar… regardless of how drunk I get. lol.

It’s been four years in waiting since Microsoft’s Mac Business Unit (Mac BU) gave the world a fully-fledged version of Microsoft Office. Sure, ask anyone from the Mac BU and they “but, but” and splutter until the cows come home that there was that wonderful Service Pack release a while back but just like their Operating System release schedule Office 2008 has been a long, long time coming.

For me there was really only one reason that I cared about its release, and no it wasn’t for a Universal Binary so it ran faster on my Intel Mac, although that is a very nice bonus, no for me all I wanted was a version on Entourage that actually had some real Exchange support in it.

In less time than it took to install the Standard version (the cheaper Edu/Home version has no support at all for Exchange in Entourage) I tried connecting to my work’s Exchange server and was greeted with the same crap message that it couldn’t connect. Game over, Office 2008, you suck balls, just like 2004 and version X.

You see ever since the last, and still to this day best, Exchange email client that Microsoft ever released, Outlook 2001, operations for the included email program in Microsoft’s Mac Office suite has been handled not by the Exchange development team but by the Mac BU. You’d think, “Hey, these two divisions still work for the same big company don’t they? Can’t they have a little meet & greet to sort this out?” But obviously that’s just a pipe dream and once again Mac users are left in the dark.

Entourage does have some limited ability to connect to Exchange servers but it does require that server to be running the option of Outlook Web Access (OWA) in order for the client to connect successfully rather than the Outlook standard of MAPI & HTTP-DAV. Unfortunately for me my employer’s IT gods deem OWA unnecessary as 99% of desks are PC’s and I’m left running Outlook 2001 via Classic or Outlook 2007 in Parallels.

I may be being a little harsh on poor old billion dollar Microsoft, Office does have some neat little things in it, namingly the ability to open their new whizz bang Office 2007 XML formats and the best feature I’ve found so far…. No more retarded transparent floating menus! Thank you!!! I’m sure there’s more in there too but frankly I could care less until Entourage grows some balls and gets out the kiddie pool.

If you’d like to know more about how inept Entourage’s Exchange ability really is there’s a great article by John Welch over at MacWorld.

Yes non-nerds I actually meant to spell “the” t-e-h as you see it appearing in the title of this the final entry in my “No Internet Diary”. I wont go into teh anymore, other than to say it’s a common typo because of the QWERTY keyboard layout and it’s quite commonly recognised amongst script kiddies and l33t alike as meaning “the”. There, didn’t that clear everything up?

On to more relevant writings.. in the covered words of Dannii Minogue “This is it, this is the real thing!” <insert small cameo by Nip/Tuck’s Julian McMahon here> I once again have a functioning ADSL2+ connection available to my home twenty four hours a day… seven days a week… three hundred and sixty five days a year… bitches. Well unless its a leap year and then it’s three hundred and sixty six, but lets not mince our Julian and Gregorian calendars here shall we; the point is I HAVE TEH INTERNETS! w00t!

It just goes to show that running away from your problems to another city and ignoring them can once again save the day making everything happy and fun for your return. Males rejoice for I have proven said theory of ignorance for all to reference in future court proceedings. QED mo-fo’s… Q-E-D. Returning from Adelaide today I waltzed through my apartment door at around 9pm after the usual cab ride home where I fool heatedly mention I work in IT and then spend the next twenty minutes back peddling because my fellow Indian brother who’s driving the taxi just happens to be an IT graduate who can’t find work. Saturated market people, saturated! Anyway, once inside I dare not drop the 10kg of dead weight that is my luggage because according to this fancy little notification I got via SMS yesterday the DSL light on my modem should be winking at me faster than some dude with an unfortunate twitch that causes him/she to blink rapidly and not at all like an equally unfortunate person who doesn’t blink at all and uses fake tears to lubricate their eyeballs. Luckily for me the modem didn’t need any fake tears because she was flashing away like old “Twitchy”! Oh, yeah!

At this point I reluctantly resided to the fact that I would indeed need to drop my luggage if only to get my laptop out and confirm Twitchy’s (I’ve decided to call my modem “Twitchy” as of this moment) status of connection, not to mention catch up on the copious amount of useless information I need fill my mind with that the Internet has to offer and satisfy that heroin like addiction.

“Cook us up a hit will you Rent” I said to Twitchy, who was now resembling Ewan McGregor from Trainspotting.

The warm glow of my laptop’s LCD screen bloomed to life in only the way an Apple computer can do sending warm fuzzy feelings of love and joy through my body putting the sun’s ever so overrated Vitamin D bullshit to shame. Ahhhh, artificial light, how you keep my Indian skin so pale, if only Michael Jackson had thought of you before all that wasted skin bleaching. As the various elements of my startup process began to appear after taking a nap for the short flight home all eyes were on the top right hand corner of the screen, watching; waiting, breathless as the currently grey icon that represented my home’s wi-fi connection should turn to a solid black indicating a valid connection. Come on, come on… why do things always take so freakin’ long when you’re watching them?!?! And then it happened, ladies and gentleman we have lift-off! Quick, quick, go nuts, before your brain explodes with the possibilities of what you can do out there on the “World Wide Web (of crap)”.

Two minutes later….

In the same way you can imagine your male partner spent after a hard, rigourous, yet extremely unfulfilling sexual encounter sucking back a cigarette in bed and glancing over to say “Was it good for you?” I was once again spent and bored. Over two weeks of pent up frustration and Internet withdrawal and just like that it was all over in mere seconds and there’s nothing left but an empty feeling in my stomach and the question of my commitment issues. I mean I really like you Internet, when you were gone you were all I could think about, but now you’re back… well… I don’t know if this is going to work… Hang on what on Earth am I talking about I love you Internet, don’t ever leave me again OK? I said OK damn it!

Well that’s it, my Internet is back in all of it’s ADSL2+ 24kbps glory. My phone still wont accept incoming calls but frankly that’s a good thing because the only people that call it are telemarketers. I’m sure it’ll get sorted out if I do nothing proactive about it and if it doesn’t I can claim my phone line hasn’t worked for ages and get compensation. We live in a great land.

There are a few people I’d like to thank that have held my hand throughout this journey of hardship and self awakening but it’s now after 1 in the morning so instead I’m going to put a picture of Mary Louise Parker and the cast of Weeds here and thank her for being a great actress and having a fantastic TV show. Thank you Mary Louise.

Until next time faithful readers, adieu.

Faced the with eternal boredom that is my life without an Internet connection and the possible life threatening eating habits that it has produced there was nothing left to do but the same thing any male does when faced with a tough problem in their life…. you ignore it, pretend it doesn’t exist and normally there’s a woman around to fix it for you and you can go back to life as it was before hand. For me whilst there may not be a woman in my life per-say there was one in Adelaide that was getting married this weekend and where there’s another city with a blood relative there’s an Internet connection.

Lets face it, the wedding is really just a convenient excuse for me to jump on a plane when we all know I’m really only going so I can log on to the scourge that is Facebook and piss & moan about all these retard applications people feel they must spam me with, but that’s another story. I’m not here to squabble over my true intentions behind travelling seven hundred kilometres to another state, besides I wouldn’t want to hurt the bride and groom’s feelings. I’m just a caring guy like that, always thinking of others and my email being downloaded in less than two hours as I’m currently experiencing in dial-up world. Fuck it’s shit house. Did I swear? Oops, sorry kids. Fuck I think I’ve already used that joke, I can’t be bothered checking my previous posts, sorry.

So anyway, another trip back to Adelaide, my Dad, bro & sis live there, another glorious plane ride on the Virgin Blue bus and a couple of days working out of the Adelaide office to avoid the further drain on my already suffering annual leave allowance (currently sitting at negative six days… boooo!). Adelaide’s a nice city, anyone that’s coming to Australia shouldn’t listen to the general population of the world because it’s not a complete shit-hole. Even that’s probably a bit harsh, it’s actually quite a beautiful city, lots of trees, parks, churches, etc. It’s just if you wanted to do anything besides look at trees and visit churches that you might start to find the attractions of fair Adelaide a tad dull. Hell don’t try and get a drink on a weeknight after 8pm, you’ll have to go to the Casino and… well…. let’s just say it’s not pretty. Enough of the Adelaide bashing, it’s an OK place, and this being my sixteenth trip back there this calendar year I should probably come clean and admit to enjoying it there, even if it’s only for my family and friends.

(It’s OK, the place wasn’t on fire… I swear!)

Adelaide aside, I was here for a wedding, well I think I was… I did land and start up Azureus but I was at least making it look like I was going to a wedding by carrying a suit with me. It was on Saturday, thankfully the scorching heat that I’d just had the pleasure of being baked by for the last two days had somewhat subsided for the auspicious occasion by dropping to a light 29 degrees (Celsius). I wasn’t exactly sure about the wedding, I didn’t really know anyone, the bride I hadn’t seen face to face for about four years and I’d never met the groom before, I was honoured to get the invite don’t get me wrong but if it wasn’t for my old friend from school (lets call her Mary Louise, not because that’s her name or I’m wanting to conceal her identity, I just think Mary Louise Parker from Weeds is hot) coming along as my date I would’ve just sat there like an idiot looking more like an idiot than normal.

Driving to the reception Mary Louise and I decided that seeing how no one would have any idea who either of us were we’d take on new identities for the evening. She, Mary Louise, would be “in the entertainment industry” and I would play her most recent “director”. Yes, yes I’m sure you can figure out where this is going…. Should anyone probe further her so called “entertainment” employment may have been linked to certain “adult” forms of entertainment. Yes it’s childish and yes I’m quite clearly overusing “quoted words” but I’m trying to see how many times I can use them in one paragraph, don’t “freak out man”.

Arriving at the reception hall, navigating our way through the family introductions and looking stupid by not knowing who anyone is and who I was meant to kiss and hug (it was an Italian sorta wedding) we found our table and name tagged seats.

“Hey Raj.” came a voice and then an extended hand.

“Ahhh…. hey…” I replied, with pretty much no idea of who this guy was, why he knew my name (maybe he was mental and read everyone’s name tags and was showing off) and why he expected me to shake his hand. I did anyway, but only because I’m nice (see the 2nd paragraph where I state this quite clearly already for you). How are you?”

“You’ve got no idea who I am do you?” said hand-shakey-guy.

I thought about lying here, I mean he’s basically ruining my whole porn directing career before it had started, but truth be told I couldn’t be fucked bothered. “Ahhh, no mate, sorry, no idea.”

“I went to school with you.”

I looked at Mary Louise with you-went-to-school-with-me-have-you-seen-hand-shakey-guy-before eyes. She looked back at me with don’t-look-at-me-I’ve-got-no-idea-I-do-porn eyes. OK so maybe not the “I do porn” part but that would’ve been hot.

“Did you? Really??” There were only 100 odd people in my grade at school, I was pretty sure I knew most of them.

“Yeah; I was in your sister’s grade”. Oh for fuck’s sake, you expect me to know you because you were two years below me? Actually it’s probably fair, I knew most of them too, just not this guy. Way to feel like a douche in thirty seconds. “I’m Lionel.”

“Lionel, shit sorry man, no idea but I’ll take your word for it.”

Wave bye, byes to the adult entertainment industry.

For the rest of the night Mary Louise and I pretty much forgot about anyone else that was there, mainly because we didn’t know anyone (well except Lionel now), and made fools of ourselves dancing, drinking and having a pretty good time. Put it this way, aint no way else in hell you’d get me dancing to Nutbush City Limits had there been anyone I’d actually known there!

With the wedding done and dusted the rest of my time in Adelaide was split between friend catch ups, family and work. The only other thing of any real significance was the little SMS that arrived on my phone to alert me to the fact that apparently my ADSL connection had been activated and was awaiting my digital fingers to caress its curvaceous figure… I need help. Can I fly home now please?!