A big, “ho, ho, ho”, Yuletide returns and all that jazz to my internet peeps. I thought, whilst in between these two large holiday events, it might be poignant to detail one of the more stupid traits I find humans displaying over the holidays; The group SMS (or text message for you non-Australian types).

Now I’m all for spreading a little cheer amongst friends, I’m almost certain the first off the blocks to text a friend a happy birthday for example, but that’s a very different scenario to writing one message and then sending it to the four ba-jillion people in your phone’s address book all at once. I understand that you want to spread a little Christmas/New Years cheer but what’s the point?

You’d think the cost alone would be enough to turn most people off. If I was to send a message to everyone in my phone book this coming Wednesday night, not only will half of them not be sent due to the network being jammed worse than a constipated 90 year old, but it will cost me around AUD$35. Well actually it’d cost me nothing because I’m on an unlimited SMS plan but that’s hardly the point now is it! The overseas people would in my address book would be at least $10 worth.

What pisses me off the most is when you people that feel their need to impose their cheer into your perfectly happy world see you a couple of days later and say “You didn’t reply to my [group sms event] message the other night/day”. Well no, I didn’t, I couldn’t be bothered replying to yours or any others of the “generics” that beep, beeped their way into my phone all through the night and the next morning while I was trying to sleep! Now, now, don’t start crying, it’s not because I don’t like you, it’s just because I think you’re simple and have deeply rooted emotional issues that relate back to your childhood spawning your annoyingly constant need to feel loved.

Hmmm… OK, I can see that so far I’ve probably pissed off a few people that may glance at my blog every now and then so now let me back peddle just a little so as not to offend every last one of you. On Christmas day (and New Years Eve) I will send out text messages *BUT* they are not generic! If you’re going to send out SMS’s personalize them, have them actually say something beyond “Happy New Year!” and send them to those whom you are close to and actually care about. All I ask is that you “think before you text”, it’s not just drunk texting that can hurt people…

BA-HUM-BUG Bitches!

(yes I know, I’m a sarcastic prick at times)

I’m a public transport user, it’s not something I’m particular proud of, nor ashamed for that matter; after all it’s saving the environment blah, blah, insert tree-hugging-soliloquy-here. The point is, and trust me I am getting to one, is that by being a public transport user you’re privy to some of the world’s more annoying and unhygienic (that’s another story all together) traits.

Lets ignore the fact that talking on your mobile phone whilst in a crowded public place is down right rude, obnoxious and always results in the person talking in excess of ten times the volume of a 747 engine less than a metre from your ear drum for just a second and examine the latest fashion of annoyance by utilizing your phone’s whizz bang speaker phone functionality.

Most phone’s these days have the ability to use them in a “hands-free” mode where the caller’s voice is pumped out for all to hear and the phone’s microphone is turned up a notch to capture your own voice the general idea being that the phone is not right next to your mouth. Makes perfect sense really, the functionality was ideally created so that you could use your phone in your car (legally) even though that too is now counted as illegal in South Australia, requiring your car to be equipped with a completely separate hands free device. What completely bemuses me, and this is where we get to this post actually meaning something, is why people feel the need to use their “speaker phone” in public places? Why would I or anyone else within a hundred feet feel the need to hear both ends of your conversation let alone just your side?!! If you absolutely *have* to take the call turn off the speaker you f@#king moron!

I might add that this isn’t limited to public transport by any means, lately I’ve seen it around every shady corner I turn. It makes no sense, these people hold the phone less than two inches from their mouths to ensure the person on the other end hears them properly so why not exert yourself that little extra and put the bloody thing next to your ear and save the world from your rather boring life. (OK, so that’s harsh, but someone has to make a stand here!)

The only thing more dumb (although slightly less annoying to everyone around you) is seeing people with the older style handsfree kits (you know, the ones that use a cord to attach to your phone and have a microphone about 3/4 of the way up that then leads on to an earpiece) and they have their phone in one hand whilst the other one has the microphone portion of the cord held up to their mouths because the thing cost $5 out of a discount bin and has the listening reach of an 93 year old woman that was born deaf! Unplug the stupid handsfree kit and put the phone up to your head, you’re just as likely to get testicular cancer as you are brain! Grrr!!