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Macs, Movies, Games, Books, etc. The Rants of a Mad Man.

Day 18: I have “teh internets”

December 11th, 2007 by Raj

Yes non-nerds I actually meant to spell “the” t-e-h as you see it appearing in the title of this the final entry in my “No Internet Diary”. I wont go into teh anymore, other than to say it’s a common typo because of the QWERTY keyboard layout and it’s quite commonly recognised amongst script kiddies and l33t alike as meaning “the”. There, didn’t that clear everything up?

On to more relevant writings.. in the covered words of Dannii Minogue “This is it, this is the real thing!” <insert small cameo by Nip/Tuck’s Julian McMahon here> I once again have a functioning ADSL2+ connection available to my home twenty four hours a day… seven days a week… three hundred and sixty five days a year… bitches. Well unless its a leap year and then it’s three hundred and sixty six, but lets not mince our Julian and Gregorian calendars here shall we; the point is I HAVE TEH INTERNETS! w00t!

It just goes to show that running away from your problems to another city and ignoring them can once again save the day making everything happy and fun for your return. Males rejoice for I have proven said theory of ignorance for all to reference in future court proceedings. QED mo-fo’s… Q-E-D. Returning from Adelaide today I waltzed through my apartment door at around 9pm after the usual cab ride home where I fool heatedly mention I work in IT and then spend the next twenty minutes back peddling because my fellow Indian brother who’s driving the taxi just happens to be an IT graduate who can’t find work. Saturated market people, saturated! Anyway, once inside I dare not drop the 10kg of dead weight that is my luggage because according to this fancy little notification I got via SMS yesterday the DSL light on my modem should be winking at me faster than some dude with an unfortunate twitch that causes him/she to blink rapidly and not at all like an equally unfortunate person who doesn’t blink at all and uses fake tears to lubricate their eyeballs. Luckily for me the modem didn’t need any fake tears because she was flashing away like old “Twitchy”! Oh, yeah!

At this point I reluctantly resided to the fact that I would indeed need to drop my luggage if only to get my laptop out and confirm Twitchy’s (I’ve decided to call my modem “Twitchy” as of this moment) status of connection, not to mention catch up on the copious amount of useless information I need fill my mind with that the Internet has to offer and satisfy that heroin like addiction.

“Cook us up a hit will you Rent” I said to Twitchy, who was now resembling Ewan McGregor from Trainspotting.

The warm glow of my laptop’s LCD screen bloomed to life in only the way an Apple computer can do sending warm fuzzy feelings of love and joy through my body putting the sun’s ever so overrated Vitamin D bullshit to shame. Ahhhh, artificial light, how you keep my Indian skin so pale, if only Michael Jackson had thought of you before all that wasted skin bleaching. As the various elements of my startup process began to appear after taking a nap for the short flight home all eyes were on the top right hand corner of the screen, watching; waiting, breathless as the currently grey icon that represented my home’s wi-fi connection should turn to a solid black indicating a valid connection. Come on, come on… why do things always take so freakin’ long when you’re watching them?!?! And then it happened, ladies and gentleman we have lift-off! Quick, quick, go nuts, before your brain explodes with the possibilities of what you can do out there on the “World Wide Web (of crap)”.

Two minutes later….

In the same way you can imagine your male partner spent after a hard, rigourous, yet extremely unfulfilling sexual encounter sucking back a cigarette in bed and glancing over to say “Was it good for you?” I was once again spent and bored. Over two weeks of pent up frustration and Internet withdrawal and just like that it was all over in mere seconds and there’s nothing left but an empty feeling in my stomach and the question of my commitment issues. I mean I really like you Internet, when you were gone you were all I could think about, but now you’re back… well… I don’t know if this is going to work… Hang on what on Earth am I talking about I love you Internet, don’t ever leave me again OK? I said OK damn it!

Well that’s it, my Internet is back in all of it’s ADSL2+ 24kbps glory. My phone still wont accept incoming calls but frankly that’s a good thing because the only people that call it are telemarketers. I’m sure it’ll get sorted out if I do nothing proactive about it and if it doesn’t I can claim my phone line hasn’t worked for ages and get compensation. We live in a great land.

There are a few people I’d like to thank that have held my hand throughout this journey of hardship and self awakening but it’s now after 1 in the morning so instead I’m going to put a picture of Mary Louise Parker and the cast of Weeds here and thank her for being a great actress and having a fantastic TV show. Thank you Mary Louise.

Weeds

Until next time faithful readers, adieu.

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